Jeremiah 31:3

“the Lord appeared to him[a] from far away.
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you”

 

I struggle with this verse. I just forget, maybe even willingly forget, that God doesn’t just love me, but has a faithful, everlasting love for me. This isn’t like shouting “I love you” to your family as you walk out the door to go to work. This is the “I love you” that leaves flowers on your car for you to find after work before you come home to a rose laden, love-noted path leading into  a candlelight dinner followed by relaxing massage, DAILY. Like, the kind of love that will wrap you up on a cold night and not let you go, that you can fall asleep in, that keeps any bad thought or fear away. And God says, gently, fiercely, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you” even though you have hated me, even though you have broken your promise to follow me, even though you have walked away altogether, even though you have been an awful example of me, even though you have been selfish and put yourself first.

I love you!

It’s an eternal truth and I just can’t fathom. My mind believes any way it finds to discredit this truth. Whether it’s convincing myself that this verse isn’t directed at me, but rather the group of Israel, or convincing myself that I have to ‘do’ enough good works to be deserving of love, etc. I simply can’t believe it.Yet, in contradiction, I WANT to believe it. I can almost make myself believe it, but there’s still a reserve within me, like that gnawing feeling of knowing you’re leaving the grocery store forgetting what you came for but not able to remember, or wondering all day if you remembered to turn off the stove this morning before you left the house; that something is missing in my logic, something that isn’t quite right enough for me to be fully confident in what I know. And more than anything, I want, and am beginning, to believe and know this in my core, that it is shaping how I view things. Maybe Lacie is helping me see that? Because I look at her, and I know I would and very like could, fight off anything that threatens her. I can’t bear to watch her cry. Nothing would stop me from loving her, even on her worst day. I’m reminded that God feels like that toward me, but He doesn’t get frustrated and take a 5 minute break from me when I’ve been up crying for 2 hours at 3 am. He doesn’t ignore me because He can’t take anymore whining that day. His love isn’t imperfect like mine and I can feel the disconnect in my understanding of that.

But it’s so lovely and pure and wonderful and overwhelming, to know that I am loved with an everlasting love, that the Lord of the universe who made the stars, planets and galaxies that we may never know about- that this same God sings over me and rejoices and is faithful to me, simply because He is. That He knows every grain of sand, every hair on my head, and still knows that I like when the sun shines just right when I happen to be outside and the baby happens to be calm and my hands are free and I can just be. just breathe, and He creates these moments for me. and says “I love you”. I don’t know how to believe it but I adore the feeling of basking in it while it lasts and praying for the walls to be broken down from around my heart.

Lord Jesus, help my unbelief.

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