I don’t know that I want this to be along post(but I tend to ramble, so who knows what will happen). I have other things I want to write about instead but the Lord spoke to me this morning. I was nervously sitting in Bible study, listening to prayer requests, waiting to share but fear crippled me. It’s a familiarly foreign feeling, one that you forget you know until it overwhelms you. I hate it. I’d consider myself pretty confident until I’m in a room full of people I’ve known for a whole cumulative 4 hours, maybe? And these are nice women. They love Jesus, they are encouraging to one another. I am encouraged listening to them. Yet, I am feeling a pull to share, to be vulnerable and I can’t. Rather, I can but I don’t. I firmly believe I CAN do many things, I just have to choose to overcome the obstacles in front of me. Then again, the time came for sharing answers from our studies this past week, of which I thought mine were insightful and possibly helpful to others, since I know that the Lord revealed and reaffirmed truths in my life through the answers I had written down. Yet I submitted to a fear of timidity.
A yoke of slavery to my fear.
And the stupidest part is that I walked right up to it. I put my head right into the notch and my hands on either side. And here I am whining about it and asking for forgiveness. Because when I chose to sit quietly and not speak of what Jesus had shown me and taught me, the enemy wins. I am literally doing Satan’s work for him as I bind my tongue and refuse to speak.Why? Am insecure? Have I forgotten whose I am? Am I scared of judgment? Am I afraid of the awkward pressure? The unspoken person to be holy? These are all invalid reasons in light of Scripture. I love the quote that reads “Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.” I’m just so intimated by the possibility of my shaky voice. And it’s so so dumb. I know it is. I can’t be vulnerable in a group of people, let alone a group i don’t know. At the rate it takes me to get comfortable, I’ll be in heaven before I’m comfortable.
I don’t even know why I’m saying all this. The Lord knows. But what He reassured me this morning, is that when I let fear win, He is silenced. I don’t know what affect my words will have on others. To be silent is to allow others to miss an opportunity that they don’t know they had. Not to say that my speaking will unequivocally bless others, not at all, but my lack of speaking will 100% guarantee that no one is encouraged. It guarantees that my getting to know these ladies is hindered, and that they will have no means to get to know me. If I am speaking truth, God’s truth that He has shown me and spoken to me in, I need not be anxious because He is with me. I need only to share with others, because that is what fellowship is about. Fellowship is what we are commanded to be in, fellowship and community with others.
So, I don’t know how to end this. I guess just pray for me to get over myself. yeah.
Also, PS, giving into your own fears and letting your feelings trump your life is selfish and self centered. I want to have an attitude more of serving other’s and their best interests- i can’t do that when i choose protecting myself over getting to know them. ugh.